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Disabilities and Soul Creation - "stuttering"

So-called 'disabilities' can be a significant aid for Soul creation rather than an artificial limitation as the cognizance of their constant impacts can provide a sufficient 'force of return' to the essential.


What follows is an example, among many, of the experience of the transformative action of a disability if seen in the light of pursuing a path of Soul creation.


The speech disorder of 'stuttering' has no known cause.

Living with stuttering


There has been a consistent element in my life - ‘stuttering' - a disorder that grew worse over time. At one point, speaking became almost impossible - it was debilitating, isolating and depressing.


Stuttering is an interesting phenomenon. It is poorly understood.


There is the 'outward' manifestation of stuttering, which is obvious and affects the entire body in unusual ways through physical contortions and interruptions of speech patterns.


There is also the 'inner' stuttering - as if the mental associations themselves contort and interrupt, unable to form a consistent stream of movement.


At other times, the creative explosion of thoughts and feelings create a bottleneck inside, with everything bursting to come out all at once.


What is unique is that within the interruptions and bottlenecks, a distinct 'space' can open around the mental associations - there is a discernible 'in-between'.


A gift of perpetual remembrance


Stuttering was seen as a 'curse'. All sorts of things were tried to ‘cure it’ but nothing fundamentally helped. Though some techniques did produce an outwardly smoother speech, in the end, they all seemed to mask something.


It was not until serious spiritual practices began that there was a realization that stuttering was a 'gift' - a uniquely innate, perpetual reminder for inner work.


It was more than a realization - it was a revelation. The real difficulty in pursuing a disciplined, open and inspiring work towards creating a Soul is 'remembering' to do it - not just intellectually, but with the requisite force of feeling and energy of the body.


All religious scriptures speak of the need to 'awaken' - to remember - that enables a constant renewal of effort. Without it, we become immured in the deep sleep of forgetfulness. This simple fact belies its profundity, and is why it is almost always overlooked. And now, the gift of almost continual remembering was now able to be received.


Disability transforms

When the effort is made to relax the body from 'inside-out' - to become more 'present' - the outward manifestation of stuttering abates.


However, it is only with a certain, inward effort of connection that the inner stutter fades. It is very difficult to try, but it is possible - the subtle world becomes mobilized.


In this more 'connected' state, the flow of mental associations and the open spaces come together, like the relationship between the gentle movement of clouds and the clear blue vault of sky. I AM 'in-between'. I AM neither the stutter nor not-the-stutter. I AM something else.


After a lifetime of inner work, stuttering is less like a relentless reminder and more like a kind companion calling me back to where I am meant to be.


Although stuttering still makes its presence felt in unpredictable ways, requiring an unparalleled vigilance - an 'attentiveness' - I am truly thankful because, without it, my inner world would be a much poorer place.

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